It's not an idiom.  It's literal. my rash is totally gone. The Phantom Husband has returned and I am almost nearly 100% positively sure that he got better looking while he was away.  I'll have to post some pictures. I got one of him up on the 147 ft ladder changing the lightbulbs and I got another one of him welding… yes, welding. He is such a man.  But then again, Coie was also welding and she's not 'such a man'. No, she's totally non-male-man-like.  So anyways, in the glorious return of the Phantom King I got so distracted that I never even thanked the highly talented web-fellow Mark for totally messing up Gena's blog for me (it's fixed now unfortunately).  Now that is a real friend.  His gorgeous wife Kate must be so proud of her hacker husband.  How I miss them. Last night I watched the movie Bride and Prejudice and thought of Kate.  Anyways, if you missed the MC Hammer / David Hasselhoff dancing monstrosity you can see it, and other lovely pictures of Mr. Hasselhoff, at Marks blog .  So THANKS Mark.  You're one weird guy.

so like, bye.  I have to go do something. 

PS please go leave a comment on Coie's blog because I think she is getting jealous that her cousin Paulie is getting way more comments than her.  And I'm afraid if she gets too angry she might use her newly aquired welding powers for evil.

October 20th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

Sing it with me, “Oh Happy Day <oh happy day> Ohhhh Happy Da-ay <oh happy day> “  Come on, you know that one, right?  Total Full Gospel Soul.  I need to figure out how to play music on my template.  Ok everypeople, this is a happy post.  First…. Our winners….. I picked the numbers 3  7  14 and 21.  and we actually had a tie.  Leave it to nutty Donna Boshay.  You see, Patricia W Hunter

 was the technical number 3 commenter, however Donna http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Donnabooshay

 was obviously commenting at the same exact time and fully thought that she was the number 3 commenter – so much so, in fact, she even wrote a poem about it (a very catchy little diddy I might add).  So our 4 winners became 5 winners since we had a tie.  Number seven was Dandelion Seeds  (I LOVE her – she is tres’ cool) and #14 was our very own Spunky (boy will she be surprised!)  

 and then last we have the lovely #21, our very own Marsha (i did NOT rig this )   So congrats to you nice people.  Email me at Jenig@TheHomeschoolMagazine.com

and tell me who to send the presents to. 

Now…. Onto even excitinger-ish news.  Geo the Great will be home in FOUR HOURS.  No, I am not lying. I put all that fibbing nonsense behind me.  This is true true true, baby.  He is almost here, he just sent me a picture of NASHVILLE from his cell phone.  AND, this is sweet, he sent me a letter.  I got it in the mail on Sat.  I read it three times.  He does not write letters very often so when I get them, they generally make me all twitterpated.  And tho he may kill me dead, I had to share portions of it.  (his words in bold type–written as set down )

It starts: To my Love, I sit here writing a letter to you at 11:30 pm.  A letter that I know will be corrected as read – but never will I mind because my want to show my love for you will over-ride my pride.  A warning, though, this letter will remain unproofed and in the rough …. (er, I have to leave this section out)

It continues: All I can think of is you and how I can’t wait to be on my way…I  miss you and love you and can’t wait to grab you and <this part was scribbled out> and say hello.

More of this and that… then this, this was my favorite part: Baldwin was showing this video tape series that they had just bought.  He said the author had gone off the deep end but that this series was really good. It was by whats his name… the guy who wrote the Prayer of Jezebel or whatever < now that is just plain funny.  See why I married this guy? The Prayer of Jezebel.  Pure comedic genius> 

He liked the video series and then another page and a half of stuff about getting things done and meeting goals and so on and so forth, and then he ends it like this: Well, let me end this letter by telling you how it [the letter] started and what the most important thing that I had to do today was.  As I sat to read a chapter in the Bible and write you this letter, I got myself all cozy and situated.  Then as soon as I opened my bible, the only light on, the light that I was using, the light hooked up to a timer, clicked off.  So there I sat, cozy and not wanting to get up – in the dark contemplating falling asleep and thinking that ‘this just figures’ – it is the perfect example of how my life is.  How I think I have everything set up and then one little thing stops it all.  So the most important thing I needed to do today was: to show my wife just how much I love her by getting her a card and sending her this letter.

And show her he did <sappy grin>.  Very few of you know that Geo has another blog here that he also never writes on anymore, but here it is in case you want to see it Anti-Blog.  I love his entries on this one.

And now I am going to take a shower, shave my legs (I borrowed a chainsaw from the nudies), then clean the house, make a cake, and then waiting for just a little longer…

See you guys in a couple days.

 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenefer Igarashi

October 17th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

A Personal Letter to Gena Renee Penelope Gertrude Wright Suarez,

Gena, I never wanted to tell you this before, because I do sort of care for you (as one might care for a parakeet or family fish), but I think you should know something important (medical records and so-forth should be looked up). You're not really my older sister. Mom and Dad (my mom and dad anyways) thought it would make you feel more secure, so we altered that and have been telling you that all along.  I was forced to play along.  We rescued you out of a little swamp where you were being raised by wild goats when you were just a young, hairy little thing.  They were the notorious Swamp Goats that still terrorize the jungles of northern Nevada today.  Anyhow, I just wanted you to know the truth.  I hope we can still be acquaintances.

Jenefer Wright Igarashi

October 16th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

So the thing about tea-bags is, if you put them in hot water they only get stronger.  However, if they steep too long in their situation, they become bitter.  Yesterday I was a'steepin and a'steepin.  One sure-fire why to help overcome bitterness is *lots* of sugar.  So today I will pour on the sugar, sugah.  And as a disclaimer (because someone is always sure to write me and let me have it) of course that is under the context of being a Christian (sometimes even on days when you are on your knees and/or in the word you can still feel heavy laden and have the temptation to become bitter).

So… back to the sugah.  I've decided to do something nice today.  And I want you to join me in my niceties.  I've picked 4 numbers to correlate with four comments to this entry.  If you want to be nice to someone and would like me to send them a very cool Draw Write Now (book six) from you, then say “I”.  Your first comment will be the only one that counts.  And I've spread the numbers out nice and good so don't try to reckon which ones to wait for. you'll never guess. Sadly, I can only ship four so I won't be able to let everyone win (like the last contest).  But this will still be fun and the winners can send me the name and address of where to send this very cool book to your friend who will be blessed by your thinking of them (Marsha, do not edit that sentence; I *like* it all messed up). And obviously, this does not preclude you from being nice even if you don't win.  If you don't win, then just think up a nice thing to do on your own.  Bake someone a cake, babysit someone's kid, send someone a card, leave someone a nice / encouraging comment (you guys are good at that), go to Tennessee and scratch someone's legs… etc.  Gena, you can't win because I'm actually stealing these four books out of your warehouse (i.e. upstairs in my room). By the way, thanks for watching Dippy the other day.  Hows about you come back over and pick him up for another day or two?

To the rest of y'allens, let's bless four people together!! Here's a picture of the book we'll send them (thanks to Gena and Barker Creek):

October 15th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 21 Comments

My apologies, my friends.  It twere not my intention to lie.  The Phantom Husband did *not* leave to-day on this Great Day of October the 14th as I so boldly proclaimed at 2:30 this a.m.  He shall try planning his leave early to-morrow in the morn.

So the new great date of departure has shifted once again.  New Estimated Date of Arrival is, well, pointless really.  But being that he is entirely made up, this does not matter a mite.  The Bright Side is that I have some extra time to get rid of the rash, and perhaps even the over perponderance of hair I've been collecting.  I'm not sure if perponderance means what I think it means, but I think it fits nicely so I shall keep it.

PS thanks for all the Poison Ivy advice. You guys ought to start a hot-line. Or a clinic.  Or a pharmacy.  Yes.  An Online-Clinic-Pharmacy-Hot-Line to Give An Over Perponderance of Free Poison Ivy Advice. 

Jenefer Igarashi, Eater of All Things Pretzel-ish

October 14th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

The main thing I dislike about not being able to sleep is the being awake part. Bless my heart.  I could probably sleep if it weren't for all this itching. I mean, honestly, does poison ivy ever go away?  It continues to spread.  I now have it on both legs, my left arm and the right side of my jawline.  I suppose I'll just give in and accept that it is now part of who I am.  I think it just wants to be loved.  It needs a home and I shant make it feel unwelcomed.  From henceforth, I shall be called: Jenefer Igarashi, friend to all downtrodden poison ivy everywhere.

Therefore, lastly, in conclusion as a result of the end of this entry, I have an announcement to make.  I know some of you will not believe me — I dare say I scarce believe it myself — but the phantom husband is due to leave this very morning, The Great Morning of Friday the 14th, to begin his long journey home to his very hairy, blotchy,  puffy red wife “How Half-White Man. I Greet You in Peace after Long Journey past Many Buffalo” What a treat he shall find!

* This blog has not been proof read before being activated.  Please contact Marsha with all questions, concerns, comments, critisisms, croissants or complaints.

October 14th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

Now look here, you people cannot “bless my heart” anymore. Especially you, Marsha and Maria.  You knock that off.  I know what it means.  Someone tipped me off and I'd rather hear the Californian phrase: “Like whatEVER you unwaxed surf board” or even the New York phrase: “Buy some brains you….” actually, on second thought I'd better not put the New York phrase in writing.  This is blog is rated G and will continue to remain a family friendly page.

On to other things (things which have nothing to do with how blessed my heart is), you would be absolutely utterly incredibly undoubtably unbelievably amazed at how much hair one can grow on their legs.  This rash is still so bad that I've been unable to bring myself to take a razor to them.  I mean, I'm naturally overly-hairy as it is. Geo (my phantom husband whom I've made up and who is entirely fictional and who has STILL not left Cali) acuses me of being French (sorry to all you hairy french people out there).  I'm not French, I just have hairy genes.  It comes from being part Sasquatch.  As a matter of fact, here is a picture of me and Geo last year when we were visiting Tahoe ( I sort of have a funny look on my face because Geo was tickling me — he's such a goose):

October 13th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

It's not an idiom, it's literal.  I have these enormous vaulted ceilings — they must be about 147 feet high.  Anyways, there are two fans with a total of eight lightbulbs in them.  When I first moved in last month, one of the first thoughts I had was, “I'm gonna need a small helicopter to get up there to change those”.  Over the last couple weeks they've 'popped' out one by one.  So now I'm Down To My Last Lightbulb. I kinda like the phrase and I'm claiming it as my very own idiom to be used as a replacement for “I've just about had it” or “I'm gonna rip my hair out” or  “That's it, I'm gonna kill somebody”. 

I wonder if I should get that copywritten.  My friend Kate invented internet laughter, which looks like this:

alksdjflkasjdflasdfjlkasjflksafdjlaskdfjka;ls

It's for when “LOL” just won't do. And I see people using it all the time who probably don't know from whence it came.  At any rate, the kids are getting loud and I'm about Down To My Last Lightbulb, so I'd better go for now.

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY  TO  MY  DEAR  FRIEND  KATE, THE  GREAT    INVENTER  OF   INTERNET   LAUGHTER

Love, Jenefer R. Wright Igarashi of the Great Rolling Squish, Inventor of Idioms, Slayer of Flies, Destroyer of  Itchy Skin, and Protector of Personal Pretzels That Little Children Are Not Allowed to Eat.

October 12th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

In the great jubilation after the realization that my home was not bug infested, it seems I forgot all about the late night hysterical call I placed to my sleeping landlord.  So imagine my surprise when he called me at 8 30 this morning. Originally when I had woken him the other night, our conversation went something like this:

ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ri-

Landlord:”h-h-hello?”

Psycho: “Mr. Landlord?!  I need to know WHAT this house is infested with!”

Landlord: “What? huh? who? infested? whats-it? eh? come again?”

Psycho (now ranting): “Sir, I can deal with the falling cabinets, I can deal with the electrical problems in the bathroom, I can deal with the inordinate amount of flies and I can even deal with the sewer problem but I *cannot* deal with a bug infestation”

Landlord: uncomfortable silence

Psycho: “Why did the last tenants leave?  Was it because of theses mites or was it because of the sewer problem”

Landlord: “uhhhhhm. wayell, I theenk thems left because they bought they own home.  But now I know there aint no bug problem at that house yehr at.  I theenk it might be the detergent yehr usin”

Psycho: “Look here, I'm gonna go check into a motel <sniff sniff chokes back a sab> and I really need you to get an exterminator out here first thing monday morning”

Landlord: “Weyall ok miss Jen, I feel real bad that yehr havin' a hard time.  Ahll see whet ah can do”

So true to his word he called me first thing this morning and the conversation went like this:

Landlord: “Ok miss Jen, I called the bug men and they'll be out sometime today”

Psycho: awkward silence

Landlord: “I just feel real awful about them bugs, like ah I said, we never had such a problem before”

Psycho: uncomfortable silence. “Um. ehh. golly Mr. Landlord, I appreciate the follow up but I think I found out what the real culprit was, and it isn't bugs.  It seems this house is shrouded in poison ivy and that's what I have”

Landlord: awkward silence

Psycho: fake chuckle. “So I think all is well on this end after all”

Landlord: “I told you it wasn't bugs!  I told you when you called me that you was allergic tuh something like detergent or poison ivy!”

Psycho: getting a little annoyed “well, like I said earlier I can deal with the other issues like the sewer problem, but when I thought it was an infestation I got a little jumpy”

Landlord: “Well since you bring it up, the sewer problem aint as bad as you think, now”

Psycho: “Oh really? My neighbors told me that it gets so bad that it pools up in the yard and runs underneath their trailor”

Landlord: sputtering “They said WHAT? Weyall I nevah.  I tell you what, miss Jen, don't you listen to them.  Anything they say you better take with a grain of salt”

Psycho: “What do you mean don't listen to them? They said it gets so bad it actually runs under their trailor”

Landlord: “Well I don't want to say nuthin' bad about them but ahll tell you right now that them neighbors of yours are always drinkin'!!”

So I guess that settles that.  The sewer problem is only an alcohol-induced drunken hallucination conjured up by 70-year-old naked boozers.  What a relief.

October 10th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 26 Comments

My day went from zero to happy starting this morning when i did some more research.  I am now 99% sure that I do *not* have a crawly infestation in my house.  My brother-in-law came over today and guess what he found circling my entire house — especially in the area where I was hanging my clothes out to dry — POISON IVY.  You have no idea what a relief this is.  I don't care if I'm still itchy, at least i know what this blasted affliction IS! Last night and this morning I was asking God to please please please just reveal what this malady is, and I feel pretty confident that He answered me. 

I'll take poison ivy over bugs ANY day.  THANK YOU all my wonderful amazing friends who have been so encouraging and such a blessing to me.  I am really blessed.  I could tell you were praying.  This is a tremendously wonderful day.  Lastly, my perfect 100% darling nephew Paulie (whoops, i'm not allowed to call him that any more) was such a huge help to me. He babysat my kids and played with them while I was dealing with all this junk.  After watching the kids all day he said, “auntie, want me to take the kids outside to play?” and I told him, “ah, paulie, I feel bad.  You don't need to do that, I can watch them now — you've been watching them all day” and he said, “auntie, there's really nothing else I'd rather do” and then he took them all out and chased them around for hours.  I am one lucky girl.

October 9th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments