Yesterday was Dippy's sixth birthday.
We took him to the NASCAR Speedway Racetrack in Pigeon Forge. I
guess that makes us officially “Southern Folk”. We had a good
time.
Anyhow, in my last post I pointed to an entry where we were teasing
Coie about finding her husband. The joke was not that we were
'finding her husband for her'…. she already assumes that is the way
things are gonna go. The joke was that we'd found him already.
Geoff
and I were talking a few days ago, trying to nail down what the
Igarashi Marrying Model is exactly. It will probalby vary with
each of our children, but here is pretty much what we *do* know.
We know that none of our kids will 'date' — as in having a string of
boyfriends or girlfriends that they spend time alone with. They
know this too, and the idea of boyfriends/girlfriends is so odd to them
that they find the thought downright offensive. Our kids all
really like us, and they trust us, and they ask us things like, “when
you find my wife, how will you know that she is not a liar?” (To
which I answer, “We'll spy on her”) Even the younger ones, in
casual conversation, let us know what sort of traits they don't want in
a spouse. We've set that standard up nice and early, so happily
that part is already in place.
The other day we were talking about how we want to have a relationship
with the new spouse (and their family) for about three or four years
before the wedding. Not that they would be engaged for that long,
but that we'd simply know the
family before the idea of marriage is even brought up. In other
words, I don't want to just meet some guy– know nothing about him —
and three months later have him showing up with ideas of taking one of
my girls away. I mean, honestly, it takes a long time to truly
get to *know* a person. And we've poured in WAY too much time and
effort and training to just hand it all over to some worthless
shmuck
So, here's the scary part, me and Geoff figured that in three years
Coie will be the same age that we were when we got married (20 and
21). We figured we'd better get to know some families who have
older kids that we can start spying on soon. Here is a short list
of who will qualify:
- The fella has to love God. I mean really love God. Not just say it, but he's got to know God and love God.
- The guy has to know doctrine. It is so important.
- The guy has to have a job, a house, and preferablly some sort of transportation more sophisticated than a bicycle made for two.
- He must be even tempered, kind, and not have a bunch of friends who are girls (on the internet or in real life)
- . He cannot be a humorless sap.
That is a short list of the most important features. Anyways, what's your spouse finding plan?
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on June 28th, 2006 at 11:23 am
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I just discovered your blog! I love how your articulate things. You are very entertaining and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
on June 28th, 2006 at 11:41 am
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We aren’t doing the dating thing either. Our children know people who date, and have asked why, and they are just so smart…they caught on immediately why we didn’t want our girls in a car or anyplace else with a guy neither she nor we knew well enough to know if he were trustworthy, and not have someone safe there to protect her.
We told our boys they probably didn’t want to be with a girl who would go places alone with a guy her folks didn’t know very well.
they agree…that’s gross. LOL
My kids are still young, so we haven’t even thought about how we are going to find their spouses, but we talk about Daddy finding their spouses and how Mom is going to grill them and investigate them and their families (it’s what I’m known for…don’t try to fool Mom…she has a nose for a mystery). So they are used to the idea.
Sometimes Sol will ask what kind of girl we are going to get him, because he thinks girls are not really very good right now and he’s kind of concerned that he might have to actually marry one. We mess with his head and tell him we are going to find a really good one with tons of cooties. Cooties make the best wives, you know.
on June 28th, 2006 at 11:54 am
Aint nothin wrong with Suthern Folks
We got married at 20 and 21, too. I agree wholeheartedly with your requirements for a spouse. My other 2 requirements were:
1. No military or police (can’t deal with the danger – my nerves are no good)
So what’s he do? Haul off and go work in Iraq during the war. Real cute.
2. No sports. I just really am NOT a sports gal.
I knew I wuz gonna marry him the minute he asked me to go to the mall during the Super Bowl. 😉
Also funny is the fact that we wear UT Longhorn sweatshirts and t-shirts living here in Arkansas (just for the pure delight at making them want to spit on us here; they reall hate Texas Longhorns!)… even though we don’t care an ounce if the Longhorn sports teams win or loose. 🙂 Ha!
on June 28th, 2006 at 12:04 pm
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You mean my children have to get married? Just kidding! I want grand children!! My son still thinks you can’t have babies unless you’re married. I’ll leave him in the dark for awhile longer.
As for a list of characteristics, I also want for the young man to treat my daughter as if she was a precious jewel, like a diamond. She would be tougher than nails, but her worth is invaluable and must be treasured, and kept to self.
So often young men marry but quickly lose sight of the worth of the woman they have. This may be because she’s his equal in integrity, but I think if a young lady knew that she was highly treasured, it would be much easier to do her job.
Abiding in the Vine!
on June 28th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
Happy Bday to Dippy!
Noah was just asking if he got an email from Dippy yet again today! I will tell Noah that Dippy just had his bday!
Kaitlyn just turned 14 on Friday and not the younger children are all planning their next bdays. Jordan and Noah’s are in August and Hannah’s is in September… all withing 3 weeks of each other. Ian is my only Winter Baby! (and he was our BIG surprise!)
Anyway, Happy Bday to Dippy and Cheers to you for planning your children’s futures with diligence. We, too, are on the courting pathway and my children are already being prepared for that life-style and mindset!
on June 28th, 2006 at 12:46 pm
you know, this brings up a fear of mine …
What if my children don’t meet other people’s measuring up process? My kids might end up the black sheep of the conservative homeschooling arranged marriage crowd.
My plan at the moment is to marry my children to the children of the bloggers I most want to meet. I gotta go ask Oreo if her son is going to be a missionary. My daughter needs to marry someone planning on being a missionary, but she’s already well indoctrinated in the Star Trek Nerd thing. So I figure they’d be a great match.
It’s the rest of my bunch I need to worry about …
on June 28th, 2006 at 1:51 pm
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I agree that you need to know the family! That is in our unwritten plan. We really need to write some goals and ideals down. My oldest is 15. I can’t even think of the unthinkable that he will one day very soon grow up and leave home. I’m just not ready for that. Anyway, we are not doing the dating thing either.
on June 28th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
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Well, since we have boys – the girls’ families will have to understand that she/they will have to come and live here at the Farm and if they want to see their daughter(s), son ‘n laws and future grandchildren – then they will have to come HERE to the Farm………
but we have a good while for this – since the boys have been told there’s no girls in their life (but me) until they are 40 and then I’ll let them know who they are.
The qualities – see, I’ve just recently begun to think about all this – Sam just turned 14 this month – he’ll be able to get his learner’s license next year – that alone has thrown me for a loop (he’s very responsible though and wants to get a job……) – I can’t possibly even think about “girls” at the same time – I’d have to take a Scarlett moment…….
Okay – now you’ve put me in panic – where’s my smelling salts?
Harriette
on June 28th, 2006 at 2:39 pm
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From birth, we betrothed our two oldest sons — Happy and Iguana — to the Parsons Twins of Jackson, Michigan. This way we can spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with Dave and Linda, who are already our good friends. It’s too bad this is already a done deal because if we’da had a chance to pair one’a them off to your younger daughter, she would have been Ryann Ryan, and THAT would be a hoot! We haven’t picked a wife for Spaz yet, but it’s already predetermined that Rockee’s future husband will have to learn to love her with her razor-wire chastity belt, the key of which I will take to my grave.
on June 28th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
can you believe it
It still freaks me out sometimes when I start to think or pray for my girls. We really need to be praying for their husbands. I see a lot of boys in our support group and I can’t help but wonder if one if them will one day…. nah.. don’t like to go there yet. LOL.
But seriously. It’s true, we need to think and pray over these things. God has someone special for them and we need to be praying for them alongside our girls.
On another note – how’s the garden?
on June 28th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
Don't know about the spouse….
but my 4 y/o son has already planned his wedding!! We just got back from being at my bother’s wedding last month. So we went out to dinnerwith Daddy and the boys chose Pizza Hut (someone forgot to tell them that we are back in England now!!). Half way through the meal my 4 y/o looks up at us and says ‘When I grow up I’m going to have a pizza wedding! I’ll have pepperoni cause it’s my favorite, and we will have ham and pinapple for you Daddy and one without pinapple for you Mommy because I know you are allergic to it, and just plain cheese for C because it’s his favorite! And the rings can be carried on pizzas and all the girls can carry pizzas instead of flowers (who likes flowers anyway?)!’ I guess he had weddings on the brain having just been a ring bearer. So we asked what about the girl he would marry? His answer – ‘I don’t want to marry a girl! I don’t like girls! I don’t ever want to get married, I just want to have a wedding!’ We nearly fell off our chairs laughing!!!!!! Poor girl whoever she is – I hope she likes pizza!
on June 28th, 2006 at 6:32 pm
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A pizza wedding…. i like that idea; the possibilities are endless.
and Jay, that is too funny. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you, my name is Ryann Ryan”
askfjslkfjalfjlakajfsda;
on June 28th, 2006 at 9:29 pm
::
After witnessing a dear young friend (17– wow, makes me feel old) at church going through the whole boyfriend garbage, my hubby (who forgets sometimes she’s not his daughter) has come up with a major requirement:
he has to treat her like she’s the only girl in the world.
We’ve witnessed our young friend with 2 boyfriends (further cementing our resolve on the boyfriend issue), and an interested male friend. Not at the same time. The boyfriends had major character issues which caused my husband to want to pull the “tough Daddy” routine… you know… “Come here, son, let me show you my gun collection…” The interested guy (a recently saved, former skinhead with saved parents) treated her like she was special. It was a treat to see.
on June 28th, 2006 at 10:02 pm
My first thought …
My first thought was the same as MuckFootMom, “What if my children don’t meet other people’s measuring up process?” I’m pretty sure that we will not arrange our kids’ marriages. My husband and I have talked about dating and our kids will not be allowed to go anywhere separately until they are at least 17-18 years old and they MUST have had the person they are interested in dating over to the house for quite some time getting to know us, the parents. We also want to get to know the parents of the other child before any “dating” occurs. I’m probably one of those few homeschool parents who is agreeable to dating under certain circumstances. However, I honestly do not know what we’ll do when the time truly comes.
I have to reflect on my past and know that if my parents had not allowed dating, I would not be married to the wonderful man that I am with! My goal is to instill a value system in my kids that will make them want to “wait” until their wedding night. Yes, dating can be dangerous and I do intend to approach it differently than my parents did, but I don’t think I’ll disallow it totally depending upon the age and maturity level of my child. Who knows? I have a few more years before I have to deal with this … thank goodness!
Kris
on June 28th, 2006 at 10:30 pm
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Ummmm…I have some great friends at church that we always play with and they have daughters that are close in age to all of my sons. 🙂 It would be a blast if a couple of them would hook up with my boys…assuming they stay on the straight and narrow for the next 15 years or so!
Zoiks! David and I were engaged three MONTHS after the day we met and were married exactly one year and two days from the moment we first met. I was very shocked when he proposed b/c I thought my dad would be absolutely insane to say yes to a guy that *I’ve* only known for a few months.
You are doing a great job in letting your children know from an early age what your expectations are of them and from their future spouse. It sure saves them from a lot of heartache, disappointment and rebellion later on.
Love,
Marshie
PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIPPY!!!
on June 28th, 2006 at 11:06 pm
ROTKBL!
That’s “Rolling on the keyboard laughing!” You’re so hilarious! I especially like the last qualification… about not being a humorless sap. 🙂
Our “courtship” plans include a shotgun… just kidding!
The NASCAR – Southern Folk thing gave me a good laugh, too!
Thanks!
on June 28th, 2006 at 11:15 pm
Future Son-In-Laws
ummmm….they gotta have all their teeth, know the ABC’s, and know all the words to “Rocky Top”…….
JUST KIDDING..
Well, I have thought about it seriously. All the stuff on Jen’s list seems to pretty well cover everything. We’ve still got a few more years thank goodness!!
on June 28th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
Hey, just 'cause we lacked in these requirements when we got married doesn't mean we can't impose them on prospective in-laws
So how do you know you haven’t met Coie’s hubby yet? Maybe you’ve already known him and his family for years.
Gary’s “sophisticated” transportation when we married was a Cessna 182. No car, just that airplane. So we honeymooned across the country. Yeah, some kind of brilliant, especially when it came time to “settle down” and get a job. A little hard to drive to the workplace in a flying machine. Luckily, he also had a bicycle.
I think we’ll require something a little better from our daughters’ suitors. (Though Gary could probably be persuaded by a really nice airplane…)
on June 28th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
You're kidding…
…right? I mean, regarding the thinking about me. no, I’m not psychic, but why would *you* (miss comedianne extraordinaire of HSB) be thinking about l’il ole me?!
on June 29th, 2006 at 12:32 am
>
Are you telling me that you went to the NASCAR thingy and didn't listen to a lick of country music on the way there or home….girl, you need to put on Remember When or Just Look In You Mama's Eyes….you'll boo hoo and fall in love with country music. So much so that you'll trade in whatever California-like vehicle your still drivin' for a Chevy, crew cab, long bed pick up.
Anyways, I love the wallpaper and pickin' a scab analogy…gee, I never thought of it that way, but it is so true.
Regarding the courtship thing. DS is only 13, but the rules have been laid…no dating before 18. Like DH says, "What do you have to offer? A job? A house?" Golly, we haven't thought about specifics…although we have alluded to some criteria…he still blushes when a girl walks by…that's good though.
What's really funny….we don't have a land line at our "new"house, so any girls who want to call have to come through my cell or DH's….hee hee hee….Believe me a girl callin' my son will get the, "Young ladies don't call boys" lecture from me. Besides, I have a list of 20 questions for any girl who thinks they are interested in DS….1. When you bake baklava, do you cover the filo with a wet or dry towel? If she's Mrs. Right or extremely lucky, she'll make it to question 2 – What brand of grape vine leaves to you use for your dolmades (Greek stuffed grape vine leaves)…..if she answers this correctly, then she earns the right to skip the next 18 questions.
DD won't be allowed near a boy from age 10-30. Then, at 30, he'll have to have a job, attend church and lifetime membership in the NRA.
Edited by eyecorn on Jun. 28, 2006 at 10:40 PM
on June 29th, 2006 at 10:59 am
Picking their 'mates'
LOL at "teasing" your DD (equally giggled at her response on her blog).
I think that is so great that they already have a clear idea of making it a family task. I think that is so important especially in this day. My husband and dad get along awesome (and regularly pick on each other), that is such a blessing to me. We didn't court but it was so awesome to have Dad's blessing on our getting married….he even gave my Dh his wedding band. I think that is absolutely awesome.
I love your list of requirements for your spouse planning. I hadn't actually sat back and made an actual list, I just frequently pray for her future spouse to have those qualities. I may just have to steal (ah, hem….copy) your list. LOL, you have given me my blog idea for the day.
BTW, I am sure my Dh would love jayfromclevelands' razer chastity belt idea….taking the key to the grave with him. Sounds absolutely like my Dh. 😀
Edited by MommyOAnna on Jun. 29, 2006 at 9:39 AM
on June 29th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
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Oh I am so not ready to answer this question! Whatever you guys decide, you can just cc me in an email. LOL!
on June 29th, 2006 at 3:56 pm
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Our thoughts are very similar to your thoughts, except for the length of time we must know the guy/girl. If someone we know and trust has known the guy for a long time, that will be good enough for us (that’s what happened with Tim and I–I had only known him two months when we got engaged, but my trusted friends had known him for years). With us being missionaries, it’s going to be hard for us to insist that all our children marry extremely godly people that we’ve known for a long time–there just aren’t that many to choose from over here! Of course, since our oldest is seven, we have a little time to look around….
on June 29th, 2006 at 4:52 pm
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Thats great. Post more and since you have done all the work I will just copy and paste it onto my computer, okie dokie? You say that in the south don’t you?
Susan
on June 29th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
Too Funny!
You know it is so nice to see so many people loving their children. *happy sigh*
We’re also going traditional. Courting is the way to go. None of that ‘try this one on fer size’ stuff. Like a pair of shoes or jeans. WE gotta know him, like him and he’s gotta be COMPLETELY sold out for the Lord and think my Lovebug is the most priceless treasure God has ever created. He needs to have a vision for their family. Job-uh, yeah a must-even if it’s a missionary. Loving, funny, high standards/morals, Godly character, a leader, responsible, family oriented, funny, like me, oh I mean he needs to like me not BE like me. (well…)
We haven’t decided if the age limit should be 30 or 40 yet…I didn’t even get married ’til this last January and I was 31! But seriously, it’s important to have a game plan and that it not be ‘news’ to your kids. I think ya dun good Jen. If the kids grow up knowing that plan, it’s not a surprise and it’s ‘normal’. I think it’s soooo cute when they put in their ‘orders’ like they’re ordering at a drive-thru!
“Uh, yeah I’d like the taller than me one with a side of honesty and must-like-sunsets-and-rainbows. Can I get the cootie-free one on that too? Oh, and a large Coke to drink”?!
Better go give my baby a hug before she grows up some more!
Blessings,
Traci 🙂
on June 29th, 2006 at 7:37 pm
Hello
I will speak in plain english this time! LOL
This subject has been on my heart for a while, I posted a little something about! I think courting is a very good idea, and Coie will be blessed that you are still guarding her heart.
Sincerely,
Alatariel
on June 29th, 2006 at 8:02 pm
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I am soooo not ready to think about this kind of stuff for my kids. Thankfully, my oldest is only 11 and has no interest in boys at all. Her friends don’t either and most of the kids at church don’t date. My son (almost 10) says that he never will get married, he just wants to live in our basement for the rest of his life. (We don’t even have a basement!) And if he does get married he wants to be right next door. Ahhh, you gotta love the boys that love their mamas!
Toni
on June 29th, 2006 at 9:16 pm
Ahh….
Happy belated birthday to Dippy!
0:) Amber
on July 1st, 2006 at 6:32 am
Relationships
No, I am not a fan of serial dating, huge emotional committments to one person after another, and a lack of parental involvement in finding a spouse. On the other hand, I care more about my children finding spouses of outstanding Christian character than how they find that spouse. One can have a chaste and healthy dating relationship (with the clear goal of marriage) and one can have the parents pick out a loser. Character matters more than finding a formula for picking a spouse. That being said, showing the young man the gun collection does have some value 😎
Beyond the “outstanding Christian character” requirement (which is admitted pretty nebulous, but I do have a good idea what I mean by it), there are a couple of specifics. A young man must have emotional self-control, or the relationship will have all sorts of troubles. Likewise a young man who is a level-headed hard worker is of more value in my eyes than a young man who current happens to have a good job.
A young woman wants to marry my son must be able to respect him, submit to his authority after marriage, and must be able to correct him in private (i.e. correcting him in public or not correcting him at all are not healthy options).
That’s what I will look for in potential spouses for my children, and that is what I am trying to teach them, and most of all I am trying to help them develop into the types of people who will be outstanding spouses themselves.
on July 1st, 2006 at 6:44 am
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Very Well Said, Shawn!
: )
on July 8th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
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We, too, have chosen not to date around here. And, since Ashley will be 20 in Sept., we are also looking at this very realistically. I have no urge to make her wait until she is 30, although we’re certainly not rushing her either. But, at 20, I think we should be seriously keeping our eyes wide open for friendships and who the Lord is placing in her life. As of now, I have absolutely NO CLUE as to where the Lord would pull *him* from, but I know when the time is right he will. (Well, there is one we would be willing to look into if it presented itself.)
Ashley’s list for a suitable husband is much more thorough and strict than ours could ever be, so we don’t have much to worry about there. : ) I actually have to keep telling her she might have to ease up a little. : ) Poor guy. Another thing we heavily consider around here is what his child rearing views are–discipline, schooling, etc. We, too, want to know this man and his family very well, but don’t have a certain time frame, since the Lord usually changes them anyway! We don’t plan to “choose” their husbands, but they know and accept our opinions and advice. Relationship with our children is so vitally important, and it must start when they are young, so that we have their trust.
Letitia
on July 13th, 2006 at 10:31 am
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Hi there… fascinating discussion… my dd1 is 19 so this is a very real issue at our house. The interesting thing is, I’ve had a more liberal view on this topic than her. I felt that there was no point in dating before age 18 or so since the natural end of dating is marriage and before that age it couldn’t be carried to it’s natural end. I have felt that some courtship couples that I’ve observed can walk upon a different kind of thin ice than the serial daters. I’ve seen some young people who are so conditioned that dating is bad that the very first person who shows an interest in them “must be THE one”. They promptly begin courting and it is sometimes hard to back out of courting without hurting not just the other person but their dad, mom, little sister, the family dog, Aunt Myrtle, etc. I’ve seen a few painful, devastating results from this option… engagements abandoned just days before the wedding, etc. It seems to me there should be some middle ground between superficially dating a string of suitors and feeling pressured to marry the first person who asks to court you. (Not that the first person is always the wrong one, he/she could certainly be “the one”.) I guess, in our discussions, I’ve said “If someone asks to court you and we all agree, fine, but you and I will know that you are DATING that person and reserving judgment until you really truly get to know each other in alot of circumstances and under various life pressures… over time.
I guess our model is… date one person at a time until we all agree he/she is the one to marry or not. If not, graciously step out of that relationship and start again.
I would keep the focus on dating more in the courtship mentality… the purpose is to find a spouse… but keep a little of the lightheartedness of the idea that dating someone does not mean you’ve not guarded your heart or theirs if after time you realize this is not the person you want to marry. I think that folks have to step up to the plate and risk opening their heart to someone who may not be “the one” early on… BEFORE they’ve married that person. Better to have your heart hurt for a short time during the dating phase of life than have it hurt for a LIFETIME because you married the schmuck before you knew him well enough, or because he courted you!
on July 17th, 2006 at 9:51 pm
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This is the third time I am going to try this because everytime I do try it won’t go through. My dog was named Lady, a mixed cocker spaniel, more mixed than spaniel. She became sick and went to stay at the vet My mom had to put her to sleep and then kept it a secret because something was going on at school. she did not want to upset me. I think she was just to heartsick to tell me at first too. She then told me a few days later. My mom always had pretty good luck with dogs but I haven’t yet. They seem to turn mean and do weird things in my homes. Oh well. No more dogs for me now just cats. Oh by the way the cats are now weirding out at my dear daughter’s home too. You just can’t win.
on July 17th, 2006 at 11:10 pm
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Well, I *was* going to write down my Foolproof, Never-Go-Wrong, Dating/Courtship Combi-Model Plan for Spouse Location, but then I remembered that God has a history (with me, anyway) of turning *my* plan into late-night comedy act fodder. So I guess my plan is to see where God leads.