What My Landlord Said
In the great jubilation after the realization that my home was not bug infested, it seems I forgot all about the late night hysterical call I placed to my sleeping landlord. So imagine my surprise when he called me at 8 30 this morning. Originally when I had woken him the other night, our conversation went something like this:
ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ri- Landlord:”h-h-hello?” Psycho: “Mr. Landlord?! I need to know WHAT this house is infested with!” Landlord: “What? huh? who? infested? whats-it? eh? come again?” Psycho (now ranting): “Sir, I can deal with the falling cabinets, I can deal with the electrical problems in the bathroom, I can deal with the inordinate amount of flies and I can even deal with the sewer problem but I *cannot* deal with a bug infestation” Landlord: uncomfortable silence Psycho: “Why did the last tenants leave? Was it because of theses mites or was it because of the sewer problem” Landlord: “uhhhhhm. wayell, I theenk thems left because they bought they own home. But now I know there aint no bug problem at that house yehr at. I theenk it might be the detergent yehr usin” Psycho: “Look here, I'm gonna go check into a motel <sniff sniff chokes back a sab> and I really need you to get an exterminator out here first thing monday morning” Landlord: “Weyall ok miss Jen, I feel real bad that yehr havin' a hard time. Ahll see whet ah can do”
So true to his word he called me first thing this morning and the conversation went like this:
Landlord: “Ok miss Jen, I called the bug men and they'll be out sometime today” Psycho: awkward silence Landlord: “I just feel real awful about them bugs, like ah I said, we never had such a problem before” Psycho: uncomfortable silence. “Um. ehh. golly Mr. Landlord, I appreciate the follow up but I think I found out what the real culprit was, and it isn't bugs. It seems this house is shrouded in poison ivy and that's what I have” Landlord: awkward silence Psycho: fake chuckle. “So I think all is well on this end after all” Landlord: “I told you it wasn't bugs! I told you when you called me that you was allergic tuh something like detergent or poison ivy!” Psycho: getting a little annoyed “well, like I said earlier I can deal with the other issues like the sewer problem, but when I thought it was an infestation I got a little jumpy” Landlord: “Well since you bring it up, the sewer problem aint as bad as you think, now” Psycho: “Oh really? My neighbors told me that it gets so bad that it pools up in the yard and runs underneath their trailor” Landlord: sputtering “They said WHAT? Weyall I nevah. I tell you what, miss Jen, don't you listen to them. Anything they say you better take with a grain of salt” Psycho: “What do you mean don't listen to them? They said it gets so bad it actually runs under their trailor” Landlord: “Well I don't want to say nuthin' bad about them but ahll tell you right now that them neighbors of yours are always drinkin'!!”
So I guess that settles that. The sewer problem is only an alcohol-induced drunken hallucination conjured up by 70-year-old naked boozers. What a relief.
|
|
October 10th, 2005 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 26 Comments 26 Responses to ' What My Landlord Said 'Leave a reply |
on October 10th, 2005 at 1:04 pm
southern landlords
Jen, I do not know you other than what I read on your blog… but can I be so bold as to say that you are not right (in the best possible way)?? Thanks for the laugh today in the midst of a rainy Monday in NC. Please keep us posted on your continuing saga and anymore nudist sightings. May God watch over you as you adjust to the southern way of life– you seem to have the accent already down!
on October 10th, 2005 at 1:07 pm
Untitled Comment
Well I’m glad that’s settled. So now we can all run barefoot through your yard when it rains and not have to worry about the osmosis of raw sewage through the bottom of our feet. In fact, maybe we should have a tea party with the puddle water. Mmmmm…
And yours landlord ain’t a gonna do somethin’ bout that thar posion iveeeee?
on October 10th, 2005 at 1:47 pm
Untitled Comment
I have one question, didn’t the doctor realize that it was poison ivy?? I mean don’t they have wall charts or something that show what different rashes are?? Maybe we only do that here in New England, because we need pictures to help us identify things. I am glad that you found out what the problem was, and I hope that your dh comes soon. :0)
on October 10th, 2005 at 2:01 pm
Akward Silence, indeed
I can’t believe you won’t even stop this silliness long enough to go read the poem I wrote about you on my blog. And then post a comment. I guess you don’t like me anymore.
BWAHHHHH.
Nancy
on October 10th, 2005 at 3:12 pm
Your Scout Badge is Revoked
Jen – please tell me you spent enough time in the scouts to recognize poison ivy and poison oak!! Leaves of three…let them be…and all that?? Oh dear. We’re going to have to put together some kind of a remedial scout program for you ASAP.
on October 10th, 2005 at 3:19 pm
Oh my…
alcohol-induced drunken hallucination conjured up by 70-year-old naked boozers? ROTFLOLPMP…
asdfg hjklj;
you are killin’ me over here….LOL
~amy beth
on October 10th, 2005 at 5:10 pm
Oh, Jen!!
I am laughing and praising God with you! I am SO SO glad you figured out what it was. Now at least you know how to deal with it.
You are precious! Now, what is your LL going to do about the poison ivy!?
:+) Kate
on October 10th, 2005 at 5:17 pm
Untitled Comment
Oh I am cracking up at what one of your commenters said:
Posted by livin4Him6
I have one question, didn’t the doctor realize that it was poison ivy?? I mean don’t they have wall charts or something that show what different rashes are??
Oh man that made me LAUGH!!! (I don’t know why. Probably cuz it’s something I would have said). – gena
on October 10th, 2005 at 5:46 pm
Untitled Comment
I am SO proud of you, Jen!! You have learned how to properly spell “southernese” – correct-o-mundo – typed it out dialect perfecto!
I think you’ll do jest fine south of the Mason Dixon – ….now if I could jest getch’all “South of the Gnat Line”………you’d be much better off…..
😉
Harriette
on October 10th, 2005 at 8:20 pm
ROTFLOL, Jen!
I am glad that you know what kind of neighbors you have now! 🙂
At least the landlord did call you back. Will he send someone out to spray the poison ivy?
What is the countdown on your DH’s return?
Tami
on October 10th, 2005 at 9:01 pm
LOL
Poison Ivy . . . hmmmmmmm. . . just put on gloves and throw it over the fence!
That oughta’ keep the neighbors fully clothed and in their right minds! (Then burn the gloves!)
Wal-dryl Anti-itch Spray from Walgreens brings relief to ds7 who always manages to get in the poison ivy patch.
on October 10th, 2005 at 10:15 pm
Untitled Comment
Jen, you are a NUT!! Does Geoff & Coie read your blogs?! They are going to be terrified when they get home!!!! ROFL!!!!
I am with you parkwaymom!!! ROFL!!!
“Poison Ivy . . . hmmmmmmm. . . just put on gloves and throw it over the fence!
That oughta’ keep the neighbors fully clothed and in their right minds! (Then burn the gloves!)”
That’ll keep their clothes on!!!! That is SOOOOOOOOOOO funny!! ROFL!!!
on October 10th, 2005 at 10:30 pm
AMAZING MIRACLE CURE!
It’s true. I bet you have the antidote in your yard too. Look up a photo of “virginia creeper.” Almost any 5 leaf plant will do…maybe? An old herb guy told my dh one day, who was covered in poison ivy, to rub it on his arm. He did and it was gone in the next day or 2. Works on all the kids too. When someone gets PI, Felic runs to get “the leaves.” I thought maybe it was just weird body chemistry. SO I suggested it to a fellow soccer mom who had gashes on her from PI. (Her hubby is a doctor who kept tellin gher she wa going to need a steriod shot.) Worked for her too! The herb guy said God put it within 15 feet of the poison ivy.
on October 11th, 2005 at 8:48 am
Untitled Comment
Oy oy, OYYYYY!!!!!!!!
on October 11th, 2005 at 8:52 am
Untitled Comment
ROFLOL, you crack me up! Not sure who’s more psycho, you or your drunk nekkid neighbors?
I don’t mean to find humor in your misery, really I don’t.
on October 11th, 2005 at 9:44 am
Untitled Comment
Poison Ivy can be horrible. So sorry.
I wish I was your landlord…Man…the stories I could tell ;o)
Sounds like you ‘dropped your basket’.
hee hee
Donna
on October 11th, 2005 at 1:27 pm
Untitled Comment
Just like I thought.
on October 11th, 2005 at 2:32 pm
Whaddaya expect?
See Jen, you should listen to your friend Susan! You blew off that email I sent you about scouting in East TN, but if you’d’a already had Bobo in the scouts, he’d’a not only known about poison ivy, but he’d’a also known that jewel weed is a natural treatment for poison ivy, and it usually grows in patches nearby the poison ivy patch. Isn’t God amazing?
more on jewel weed…
http://www.luminet.net/~wenonah/hydro/jewelwed.htm
on October 11th, 2005 at 3:11 pm
You crack me up….. : )
LOL! = )
Every time I’m here, I know I’m in for a guaranteed laugh. : )
Jen, you are so hilarious!! = ) I absolutely love it!! = >
on October 11th, 2005 at 4:04 pm
Psycho!
From one psycho to another….the first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem… –julie
on October 11th, 2005 at 6:21 pm
ya see I was
waiting to post until I would be the 21st poster. ‘Cuz I don’t even think you read the 21st comment! Nah, who reads the 21st post? I could say whatever I want and you will probably never read this.
~Annemarie the Great
on October 11th, 2005 at 6:36 pm
Untitled Comment
Dear Annemarie the Great, contrary to your theory, the 21st commenter just so happens to be the one I always read the MOST, second only to the 22nd commenter.
on October 11th, 2005 at 10:26 pm
Untitled Comment
Dearest Jen – I know that when I need a really good belly laugh, your blog is the place to head! I have never laughed so hard in my life!! You hang in there, girlfriend. Being a girl from the west, I can attest that I would not be handling all these new plants, animals, BUGS and other such “wild life” (like your neeked neighbors) any better than you are. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers and also be praying that your hubby gets there soon!!
on October 12th, 2005 at 1:14 am
Untitled Comment
You are such a comic relief! But, I have a feeling that we are enjoying your account of life in TN more than you are by actually living it out. Sure glad you are able to find humor in these unpleasant situations. Things will surely settle down soon and get back to normal. But, my, how boring it will be! 🙂
~Connie
on October 12th, 2005 at 4:27 pm
Oh, Jen!
I really needed this laugh today. I’m not laughing at you, trust me! I wonder how much time it took you to type out the dialect of the Landlord? That was hilarious (and it IS how they talk here in East Tennessee!).
Love,
Kris
p.s. Once Geo the Great arrives, we have to get the kids together. Jenna wants to get together with Ryann and Ian wants to play with the guys!
on October 31st, 2008 at 9:38 am
[…] Ivy. I think it’s secondary poison ivy because it’s decidedly more enjoyable than the last time I got it. But it’s still pretty itchy. And the Bluedorn challenge has gotten me so worked up […]