You Can Lead a Horse to Water… But You Can’t Make Her Swim
Guess what I did on Tuesday? It’s something I haven’t done in over 8 years. I went to the lake and went swimming with my kids. That is so out of my normal recreational outing experiences. It was *super* fun. My friend called up and said, “Hey, let’s go to the lake” and instead of giving my first reaction, “I’d rather eat my own kneecaps”, I pondered for a minute and then actually stepped out of my fuddy duddy box and said, “You’re on, girlfriend”. It was a perfect day, sorta shady, but Coie and I still got more sun than our normal housebound albino carcasses are generally allotted. Can the word carcass be used to describe a living organism? I really have no idea. Anyways, it was a lovely day and I think I might even try it again before summer runs out. Here is proof of our lakity day:
many fish, and even a little soft shelled turtle, was caught and tortured, er… i mean ‘examined’.
Dippy: "Come on, mama, you can do it. Here, I’ll help you" When I got in up to my knees, i turned around to see Coie right behind me threatening to push me in on account of the one time, when she was six, that I pushed her into Gramma Sharon’s pool. Good grief that girl can hold a grudge. You’ll be disappointed to hear that she actually did not push me in, but rather held my hand so I wouldn’t fall while walking over the sharp rocks. We were all astonished to see that I still knew how to swim. I was downright giddy. Lastly (and this’ll be a long lastly) in the previous post, there was a pretty good question about what to do if you have an unthankful kid who always bickers, is moody and fights with their siblings. It can be a real struggle if a child has developed an idea that they are ‘owed’ certain things. A child doesn’t get candy in the checkout line and he cries or pouts, it’s time to leave the park and the child stomps their foot, yells “no” and runs toward the swing, instead of cheerfully running towards you to help pack up and get in the car. It is most definitely harder to combat this unwelcome character trait when it’s been fed and grown and allowed to pop up at will. And even harder if the parent has contributed by saying things like, “Oh, I know you’re disappointed; you really wanted some candy, maybe next time, I’m so sorry” or, “Oh honey, I know you love the park and we’re having to leave sooner than usual but next time we’ll stay longer”. These types of bribing statements reinforce and validate bad behavior – what’s more, it puts the child in a position where they now feel like mom owes them an explanation when their will has been thwarted. And God help you if you don’t have a good enough reason, because no doubt they will argue your ear off until it makes ‘sense’ to them. You don’t want to get pretzeled into *that* habit or routine: “Clean your room” “why?” “Um, because somebody might come over” “I’ll just keep my door shut” “Um, no, they might want to play in there” “Well I’ll just tell them they can’t” “Um, well, it might be the President and if he has a search warrant then legally we’d have to let him play in there” etc etc. How much easier to start early and never let them argue! “Clean your room” “why?” “I must be going deaf. For a minute I thought I you said ‘why’ instead of ‘yes maam’ “ Honestly, if a kid is becoming defined as unthankful / moody / bickering, etc. I guess I would suggest retraining both of you. Start saying “no”. Say it without giving any explanation. Always smile when you say no and if they ask you ‘why?” say, “You’re kidding, right? You’re actually not allowed to ask me ‘why’ if I tell you “no” or if I tell you to do something. If I decide to give you an explanation, then I may, but you are not entitled to know why. It is your job to learn how to obey me quickly and with a good attitude” and again, this is all said very pleasantly, not lording over, just stating as fact, cheerfully and determinedly. Practice giving one sibling a treat and not offering the others a treat. If questioned about it, let them know you are astonished that they expect something just because somebody else got something. Ask them why they never ask to clean the bathroom when their sibling is given that ‘treat’. Ask why they expect equal treatment only when they ‘get something they want’ out of the deal. Tell them only bratty children do that and you know they don’t want to get a reputation for being a brat. It’s not a popular method of training – I suppose most Americans have never even considered such a thing. It’s because we were all brought up to believe we deserve the best, and that life should be ‘good’, or, even more sinister, parents fall into a mindset where they want their kids’ approval and they don’t want to cross them – basically, they live in fear of their child’s mood and will do anything to keep them pleasant. This never works, it always harms the child, and they generally grow up to be spoiled, manipulative, demanding adults whom nobody really wants to be around. So, that’s a long answer, but it’s an honest answer. Say “no”, and don’t give your kids things when they ‘expect’ them. Let them understand why they need to value any and all gifts – big and small. If they don’t act thankful for what you’ve given them, take it away and don’t give it back (a cookie, a Happy Meal “I don’t like this toy!”, etc). Matter of fact, when Coie was really little (prob 5 or 6) we taught her this in one easy lesson. She was at her gramma’s house, was given a gift, and she acted very nonchalant about it. So when we got home, me and geoff sat her down and said, “That present was gramma’s way of saying she loves you. When you act like you don’t care, it comes across like you don’t care about her, or the time she took to pick it out, or the money she spent to try and make you happy. Getting a gift is not about YOU, it is about others and it is your responsibility to let them know that their time, their thoughtfulness and their generosity is valuable. And then we took her gift away (even though she really wanted it) and we wrapped it up and gave it to some other kid (at our church, I think). I think all of my children have had a present taken away early on because they did not value the ‘giver’ of the gift. And we told them, if we ever go somewhere and you are ever given something and the person does not know you are delighted, you will lose the gift. And very soon afterwards, it no longer became ‘an act’ of thankfulness… they would finally ‘get it’ (especially when they started noticing ungrateful children at birthday parties who would tear thru the gift – which they had bought with their own money– and see her toss it over her shoulder with a shrug). But if you don’t actually take the gift away, if you threaten but they still get it, then you end up actually strengthening the kid’s will and they will know that their ‘happiness’ will trump your desire to make them obey. Ok, this is tons longer than I expected, but I hope that’s helpful. PS today I am making Butternut Spice Bread – I am substituting the butternut for pumpkin. Brilliant, yes? |
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August 23rd, 2007 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments No Responses to ' You Can Lead a Horse to Water… But You Can’t Make Her Swim 'Leave a reply |
on August 23rd, 2007 at 7:22 am
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Is that Douglas Lake? Wherever it is, it looks like the water is down hugely!! Now you need to try river swimming!
on August 23rd, 2007 at 7:41 am
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What a wonderful day to spend the day with your children. I am sure this memory will last! Good for you getting int he water…..
Thanks for the tops : )
Blessings,
Maria
on August 23rd, 2007 at 8:20 am
Looks like fun!!
You sound like me and my issue is with our pool in the backyard. I know we are VERY spoiled having it there, but I'm never all that eager to jump in it. It's an UNWRITTEN but EVERYONE knows rule that you DO NOT push mom in. When I do get in, I just like to float. LOL. Are we getting old or what? LOL.
Great advice on the character building in children!!
Have a beautiful weekend.
on August 23rd, 2007 at 10:11 am
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Thank you for sharing this teaching. I am going to have both my children read it. I know sometimes they think I am so mean with the things I expect of them. I try to explain that I love them so much I care how they will turn out as adults.
Butternut spice bread sounds good. Take some pictures and let us know how it turns out. Did you get to read my comment on a quick way to cook the butternut squash? If you try it let me know what you thought.
Ruth
on August 23rd, 2007 at 11:06 am
Firm but pleasant
I really agree about the firm but cheerful part. Firm and unwavering doesn't have to be done in a nasty or bitter way to be effective. It's not always easy to be firm and friendly, but not impossible either. Thanks for writing about that.
Laurie (British Columbia)
on August 23rd, 2007 at 11:45 am
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I feel like I've just been to therapy. 😉 I was one of those spoiled children who grew up to be a spoiled adult. I can look back now and see all the things my (well-meaning) parents did that I don't want to continue with mine (but have to some degree). I wish I could go back in time with an armload of parenting books and say, "Raise me THIS way." In the meantime, I've been having to retrain myself in many areas, and in training my children, I really feel like I'm in uncharted waters, because I don't really have an example to follow. Parents, raise your kids to be selfless people, and they'll (hopefully) have no problem doing the same with theirs.
Looks like you had fun at the lake! It looks cleaner than the lake in our neighborhood (1-1/2 blocks away), which has lots of poose goop in the water AND all over the shore. Yuck!
Sally
Edited by JustGiveMeStarbucks on Aug. 23, 2007 at 11:46 AM
on August 23rd, 2007 at 11:56 am
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What a great post! I am glad you enjoyed your day at the lake, sounds like fun!
My mom used to have a quote for us "Yours is not to reason why, yours is but to do or die"
on August 23rd, 2007 at 1:18 pm
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Super great advice! About asking why: We tell our children, "You do not question our authority. You just say, 'Yes ma'am or sir.'"
Also, I am in the habit of picking up things here and there at garage sales that one or another might need. At this point, no one questions why only one of them got a "new" dress or whatever. They see it as perfectly normal.
on August 23rd, 2007 at 1:19 pm
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Ya know what???
This one's so good I'm printing it out! 😉
Michelle
on August 23rd, 2007 at 1:20 pm
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DOH! That anon was me!
Myfriendconnie
http://www.smockityfrocks.blogspot.com
on August 23rd, 2007 at 3:15 pm
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Yes, the bread is absolutely brilliant! It sounds like it would pair perfecty with a piping hot cup of coffee. (even with the heat outside).
I like your gift appreciation explanation better than the way I put it. Especially the other person actually KNOWING that you appreciate it.
As to the swimming, it looks like a boatload of fun. You know, I'm really good about providing fun opportunities for my children but I'm not so good about actually joining in. I'll suggest a boardgame for them but not play. I'll take out all the art stuff and help them but not paint… I need to work on that. I already have stiff competition in that daddy is the fun one… I can never be <i>that</i> fun but I can at least not be UN-fun!
Love,
Marshie
<i>You can lead a horse to water, but remember what a wet horse smells like.</i>
on August 23rd, 2007 at 4:14 pm
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Love the discipline ideas. Sadly, I really needed to hear them today.
on August 23rd, 2007 at 4:33 pm
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Thank you so much Jen. I really needed to hear all of that.
Susan
on August 23rd, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Great advice!
Looks like you all had fun at the lake! And great advice about unthankfulness. I love your blog and have been reading it for awhile, so it's about time I commented LOL! You always seem to give me that whomp I need with the 2 x 4 at times, while still making me laugh.
Lisa
on August 24th, 2007 at 1:38 am
Sigh
Will you come here and retrain me? Gosh, Jen, I needed to read that today. I have been struggling in this area. I really appreciate you SO much.
Love,
Kate
on August 24th, 2007 at 8:58 am
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Very good post! I have been letting my 6 year old get a way with the "I deserve something" attitude for much too long. I have caught myself getting into lenghty discussions about why he can't have something, or why I had said no. You are so right, and I am definatly going to be watching myself closer.
Ali
on August 24th, 2007 at 11:22 pm
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Hi Jen!
Thanks for sharing this insightful insight with us… even if it *is* half a webpage long. 🙂 It's a good reminder and a good "kick in the pants." (Can "good" and "kick in the pants" be used in the same sentence?! Guess so, 'cuz I just did!)
Anyway, glad you got to go swimming in the water hole. Looks like fun… especially considering the awful hot weather we've been having here in lovely Tennessee!
on August 25th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
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Wow, I really needed to hear this today. I have been having some problems with an ungrateful, moping, bickering 12 yo ds. I love that boy, but I have let him argue his way into a lot of things he didn't deserve and now I am really paying the price. Nothing ever seems good enough for him, from the size of his bedroom to what he is offered to drink at dinner time. Sigh. I have some work ahead of me. Thanks for the post.
April
on August 27th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
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Looks like ya had a great time!
on August 27th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
Training
Jen,
I know that you don't know me, but I thank you so much for the training info on gratitude and entitlement. My 5 year old has begun to show signs in this area of ungratefullness and entitlement, and it is ugly. I have begun being more strict in this area, but I need to change my training even more. I know that God led me to your blog today! Thanks for your faithfulness to write what He lays on your heart!
Gratefully,
Jo
on September 2nd, 2007 at 2:21 am
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LOVE the tips for training up our children in obedience and gratitude! 🙂
Michelle
on September 3rd, 2007 at 4:47 pm
gratefulness
I'm going to be one of those parents for whom this method is unpopular, but I'm going to respectfully disagree…because this is your blog.
My children are 4 and 2 and I can't imagine using this method on them. I feel like it would put a divide between us that I don't want. And no, I'm not a "yes" mom. My kids get plenty of discipline, know and follow the rules, and even manage a thank you now and then. They rarely ask for things they don't need and are also rarely argumentative. I don't think it's healthy to NOT acknowledge children's feelings.
In any case, we all do what we have to, but I just wanted to stand up and say that it's possible to raise well-behaved, well-rounded, happy children who make good choices because you've taught them to, not because you said so.