Jeneric Jeneralities ~ by JenIG
October 11th, 2007
Out of My League

Ok, so I got this email last night and quite frankly, it left me shaken.  I don’t know about you, but sometimes things come out of the blue and really put your own ‘problems’ into perspective.  I recognized her when she emailed because I’ve visited her blog – the name always struck me as clever (Viva la ChaiAnyhow, I was at a loss for words after I read it, so I asked Denise if I could share her email with you guys to see if there was any advice, resources or, quite honestly, even any comfort you might have to offer, and she readily accepted the suggestion.  I can only imagine what my own sense of grasping would be in this situation, along with the struggle to make sense of what has happened.  If you have any thoughts, or comfort or advice, I know Denise will appreciate it. 

 

Dear Jen,

 

I’m a frequent blog reader of yours, as well as a OSH subscriber. There’s my introduction. (Small smile) I don’t know if you can help me with this or have any advice or not, but I prayed for the Lord to show me someone–anyone–I could share this with beyond my immediate circle, and your blog came to mind.

 

I babysit for a few friends (and friends of friends), and have done so for the past 5 years. I consider them all my "honorary babies". I’m also a homeschooling mother of 3.

 

Then last week, the unthinkable happened. My youngest honorary baby, 4 1/2 mo. old Caleb, died from SIDS after I laid him down for his afternoon nap.

 

I’ve always done everything right to prevent SIDS…the only thing I failed to do this time was go back in and check on him a second time. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life, and while each day gets a tiny bit better than the one before, I’m still feeling very overwhelmed with the memories of finding him blue and limp in his bassinett.

 

I realize that it wasn’t technically my fault, and things have been revealed through the autopsy that solidify the fact that there was really nothing I could’ve done. But I’m a mother. I’m human. And I feel horrible. I feel like a murderer.

 

Has anyone you know experienced this sort of tragedy?

 

I’ve decided to never again agree to babysit for a newborn. Not ever. I don’t want that hanging over my head…"What if?".

 

And no, the family doesn’t blame me or hold me responsible in any way. In fact, that alone is a tremendous answer to prayer. They’ve even been kind enough to come by and check up on me and my family…even asking if I’d like to help with Caleb’s memorial service this weekend.

 

If you know of anyone, please send them my email address. I need to talk to someone who’s been there, and won’t give me more of the same pat answers.

 

Thank you for your time and help.

 

Sincerely,

Mrs. Denise Opper

 

October 11th, 2007 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

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  1. Tiany said,

    on October 11th, 2007 at 2:54 pm

    <i>Untitled Comment</i>

    Ok so you have left me in tears and trying to grasp the immensity of what has transpired here. My heart hurts for all involved and while I have no words of wisdom I will certainly be in prayer for Caleb's family for Deniseand her family. I have to admit with each baby my fear of this happening worsens, I go in and check on my littles 3 and 5 times to check if they are breathing (crazy I know) God has not given us the Sprite of fear but of perfect love, that is what I tell myself. I will hold my little one a little tighter and and little harder today .

    Praying,

    Tiany

    Edited by Tiany on Oct. 11, 2007 at 2:55 PM

  2. Prncsstefy said,

    on October 11th, 2007 at 3:38 pm

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    Oh how awful! Bless her heart. I don't have any advice but I will be praying for her and Caleb's family. I pray that God will offer her the comfort she needs.

  3. ClagettsFLStyle said,

    on October 11th, 2007 at 3:53 pm

    keeping her in prayer

    Being alongside a dear friend at the beginning of the year who lost her young son to a choking accident, I can only somewhat imagine what's she's going through. I am at a loss for words now, but will be praying for her.

  4. homeschoolhighlites said,

    on October 11th, 2007 at 3:58 pm

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    Dear Friend,

    "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

    Be aware that Satan will try to attack you at this time and fill your mind with lies, run to the LORD and keep your face in His Living Word — he makes no mistake and has known of this trial before the world began. Be confident in His plan for you and for this dear family, may His grace & peace fill you during these difficult days. If possible, seek some counseling from a trusted church leader that God brings to your mind.

    Warmly,

    Amy

  5. BelovedLamb said,

    on October 11th, 2007 at 4:03 pm

    Untitled Comment

    While I didn't lose an 'honorary baby' and it wasn't to SIDs – I can definitely relate to the grief journey and guilt associated with losing a child unexpectedly. Jen, if you have my email address still – go ahead and share it with your friend!

    I'll be praying for everyone involved.

    Amy O

  6. arajbrown said,

    on October 11th, 2007 at 4:33 pm

    Out of My League as well …

    but not out of our Heavenly Father's. Jer. 29:11 guarantees us a plan for the future (that included that precious little baby) … plans that are never meant to harm us. This side of Heaven, I'm not sure there are answers to hard times like this … only the promise that it is not our calling to predict/prevent the future, only to live it out at every moment.

    I promise to be praying.

  7. RDFLEMING said,

    on October 11th, 2007 at 6:23 pm

    Grief and guilt…

    Dear Jen,

    I haven't been on in a few days…5 extra boys staying with us. I just read your blog and want to say that having buried twin daughters…one at 5 mos. and one at 2-1/2 yrs. I know some of the grief. God is good ALL of the time! I have some excellent resources. You will get THROUGH it, but NEVER OVER it, by God's grace. The other comments, especially the one on hugging in close to HIS word, are more true than you can imagine. I am more than willing to speak with your friend, sometimes just being able to vent to someone outside of the immediate situation brings comfort.

    You may email me for telephone numbers. May the Heavenly Father give you wisdom as you minister to your friend.

    Grace and Peace,

    Ruth

  8. Becky said,

    on October 12th, 2007 at 8:47 am

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    Oh how I wish I could still blog here. I just buried my daughter a month ago today. I would say that book that has brought me the most comfort outside of the Bible is Stepping Heavenward. And also the evangelist John Bishop has some awesome ways of helping hurting people. His website is http://www.goodissogood.net

    God is good, and God is right.

    Becky

  9. Ruth said,

    on October 12th, 2007 at 9:59 am

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    Jen,

    This is truly so sad. I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom to bring as a solution to this situation. I agree with what Amy said. The enemy will definitely use this to cause fear and doubt. Cling to the Lord and to His precious Word at this time. He has a plan and a purpose. He will work all things for the good of those who love Him. As hard as it may seem right now to see the good, cling to Him. May the peace that passeth all understanding fill you now.

    Ruth

  10. jess4him said,

    on October 12th, 2007 at 1:24 pm

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    Wow.. how sad. Weird that you posted about this yesterday- the same day i found out that a friend of mine's cousin (11 months old) was with a babysitter when he had a bunch of toys fall on him and is now in critical care at the hospital and paralized- entirely. I almost cried hearing about it.

    To your friend, I am *so* sorry.. and can't even imagine. Praise God for the kindness of the parents- and that the Lord promises to work everything out for good- even though sometimes it impossible to see how He can bring good out of such a horrific thing. Thank you for sharing and I will be in prayer. My husband read the blog and was talking to me about it- he literally looked like he was going to break down and cry.

    love to you,

    jessica

  11. sotwell said,

    on October 12th, 2007 at 7:19 pm

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    I lost a son at 9mos who died in my arms so i can relate to the guilt you feel as well as a feeling of a loss and not knowing what to do. He was home with us on christmas morning (2005) and was home with hospice care because there was nothing to help him live just let him die comfortably from home with his family.. it isnt the same but i want to let you know the hurt will never leave, you just learn to live with it. Please if you need to find help from a counsler, wont hurt. I found comfort in knowing i will see my son again. Until then i focus on my living children. The family doesnt blame you so try to not blame yourself. I will pray you find some comfort in any of my words and from knowing you will see little Caleb again..(i think that was his name i am sorry if i got the name wrong) my prayers are with you and your family as well as the other family now!

    Sue

  12. jewls2texas said,

    on October 12th, 2007 at 10:33 pm

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    Oh my heart is breaking reading this.

    Two of my children – who are now 14 and 10 were in apnea monitors as infants because they would forget to breathe. It is a scary thing. I had both of them turn blue – my daughter at her 2 week check-up while the nurse was preparing to draw blood and my son in his carseat after an outing. It is terrifying.

    I also babysat and had a child that I had laid down for a nap choke because he fell asleep at the table at lunchtime (he was getting up at 3 am) and I didn't know he had food in his mouth. A few seconds later when I returned with the second child that napped in the same room I found him choking. I have never been so shaken in all of my life. It was terrifying and had me realize the seriousness of caring for someone else's child.

    I am so sorry for Denise – and can't imagine what she's going through. Please feel free to share my email address with her julientexas at sbcglobal DOT net.

  13. CaliCarolina said,

    on October 13th, 2007 at 9:12 am

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    Dear Denise,

    I left a comment for the family on Caleb's site. I am praying for you and your family, too. May the Lord wrap you in His arms of love and strength.

    In His love, Stacey

  14. Buckeyeblog said,

    on October 15th, 2007 at 10:08 pm

    You knew I would see this, didn't you… 😉

    Odd that I should see this today. I know, it's a God thing. But TODAY would have been Jessica's 22nd birthday!

    You are welcome to send her my e-address.

    Also…please pray for Jenna…she broke a little bone in her hand at a v-ball tourney on Saturday and is now out of play for the rest of the season. She can still go to the National Homeschool V-ball Tournament in Omaha, in Nov., but she has to sit it out. Bummer!

    Love you, kiddo!

    Blessings from Ohio, Kim Wolf<><

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